Yellow
by Brinley
Summary: Please give me feedback so I can motivate myself to submit the rest of the story! This is a shameless plea for R&R! I would really appreciate it.
1. Default Chapter Title

# Yellow

**_ _**

**_Look at the stars, see how they shine for you…and everything you do…_**

Pacey could see the moisture from his breath rise through the thick, winter air as he quietly sat on the front porch step. Faint sounds of Gretchen's footsteps across the hardwood floor were the only sounds of the night. The brilliant stars caught his eye. They seemed to shine more brightly than he had ever remembered. _I guess the city has a way of removing the stars_. He ached to get back to the place he now called home. Unfortunately, he was in Capeside now. This place was just an empty void as far as he was concerned. Why he had agreed to come back to this forsaken town, he could not account for. He was seriously considering leaving Capeside immediately, except Gretchen had begged him to stay. She was aggravatingly persistent. He could understand her reasons for forcing him here. She simply did not want to be alone with the family at Christmas time, but why she wouldn't come stay with him during the Holidays, was beyond him.

His hands began to numb and he rubbed them quickly to produce needed warmth. He was tempted to go back in the house to thaw, but thought against it. He wanted to be alone for a while and let the cold numb his mind. Every time he came back to Capeside, the stinging memories of what he had lost here would always creep into his foremost thoughts, regardless of his struggles to push them deep into the recesses of his mind. They always began with that day he walked out of Joey's dorm room. He still questioned himself if that decision was the right one. _Get over it, Witter. There's nothing you can do about it. _Pacey was never one for regrets, but that single moment was his one true regret, he had to admit to himself. That was the day everything had ended for him, and he couldn't take it back, so…

He rubbed his forehead in an attempt to forget. Gretchen called from inside, "Pacey? Hey, could you come inside…I need to ask you something." He stood and walked towards the front door, his body stiff from the cold air that had seeped into his body. As he walked inside, Gretchen met him in the entranceway. She childishly grinned at him. "Pacey, have I ever mentioned how absolutely amazing you are? These moments of bonding we share, truly are the highlight of our return to Capeside." Pacey eyed her suspiciously, as he pushed his way past her into the living room. "What's up, Gretchen?" He settled himself on the old sofa, wrapping himself with a blanket. She sat right next to him, staring at him with a hopeful expression on her face. "Pacey, I just talked to Dawson on the phone. He asked if we would meet him for dinner at his parent's restaurant. Now I know fish may not sound overly appealing, I mean I have issues with fish from working there, but it would be nice to get out of the house." Pacey glanced at her doubtfully. "You honestly want to wander through the town of Capeside, putting yourself in an undeniable trap of seeing people here that I, myself, have no desire to see? I'd rather stay in the house, thanks." He flipped the TV on, trying to get his point across. Gretchen stood up and walked in front of the TV. She put her hands on her hips and glared at him accusingly. "What?" He asked innocently "Pacey, could you stop acting like a child? I thought you had moved on. You're above the problems that haunt you here, aren't you?" She softened a little and walked back to where he was sitting. "I understand this is not a place of harmony or bliss for you or me…but we're here now and let's just make the best of it. Come on, Pace…" Pacey relented to her antagonism. She was right; he had to get out sometime, so he might as well get it over with.

……

Pacey shut the car door and made his way towards the Leery's restaurant. He could see Dawson and Gail through the front windows as Gretchen came up beside him. "This will be fun, Pacey. Relax a little." He didn't know what his problem was. He and Dawson had patched things up a long time ago, so his anxiety over going out tonight was unprecedented. Then a realization hit him. He hadn't wanted to acknowledge that he was unsettled at the chance of seeing Joey. It literally made his heart rapidly beat and his throat dry at the possibility. _You're past this._ He shook it off as he opened the door for Gretchen, and then followed her in.Dawson instantly greeted Gretchen with a hug and Pacey with a handshake. Pacey smiled at seeing his old friend. "Pacey, it's good to see you. I'm really glad you two could come out here." Pacey smiled at Dawson for his never-ending store of good humor and optimism. "It's good to see you too, Dawson. How are things at the old fish house?" "Good. My parent's restaurant has done really well over the past year. They seem to enjoy it… why don't you sit down over here and I'll be back in just a minute." Dawson led them to a small table in the corner where he sat them, and quickly walked to the front of the restaurant where Gail was standing.Gretchen nudged Pacey, "Just like old times, huh Pace?" She laughed quietly at her own remark, as Pacey shook his head, with an involuntary smile growing on his face. "Yeah. I'll meet you there." Her sarcasm relieved the tension he had been feeling ever since they had decided to come here. 

Gail eagerly walked through some aisles of tables towards them, towing Dawson behind her. Gail gave Gretchen and Pacey a warm smile. "Hi, you two. I'm glad you could come by our little restaurant. How are the both of you doing?" They simultaneously replied, "Fine." Gretchen quickly added, "How's the restaurant business? It seems like you're doing really well." Gail rolled her eyes as she wearily returned, "It gets pretty crazy around here, but somehow we seem to keep it together." "The restaurant looks great, Gail," Pacey commented. "Thanks, Pacey," Gail replied, gladly accepting his compliment. Gail suddenly pushed Dawson into the seat next to Gretchen, in order to make sure they sat next to each other. Pleased at her actions, she turned to all three and pointed out, "Your waiter will be with you in a moment." She winked at them and swiftly walked back to the kitchen, leaving Dawson staring at his mother in amazement. "Subtlety. A quality my mother does not possess."

The three of them sat at their table making small talk throughout dinner, never bringing anything of consequence into the conversation. Something of which Pacey was extremely grateful for. Dawson explained to them how much he enjoyed school at Columbia University. It was a tough school academically, but he was living in some frat house making the best of his time there. Pacey could picture Dawson at frat parties being the official designated driver or something similar. The thought forced him to crack a smile and appreciate the innocence and naïveté of his friend. That's one thing about Dawson that Pacey could appreciate--Dawson never changed who he was for anyone else.Throughout his story, Dawson only mentioned Joey once when he brought up some party he had been to at Cornell University. Dawson's friends had gone all the way to New York City to pick up on smart, drunk chicks, but Dawson had gone in hopes of seeing Joey. He mentioned how great she had looked, and how afterwards they had randomly kept in touch through email and phone calls. Apparently she kept herself pretty busy. At this point, Pacey began tuning Dawson out. He didn't really want to hear about her happy new life. How her life seemed to move along quite nicely without him. _Ignore your thoughts and the pain will go away._ Fortunately, that was all Dawson mentioned about her.

Gretchen and Pacey then went on to explain their post-Capeside stories. Gretchen had gone back to school and had decided to major in Psychology. She only had a few semesters left and would probably go on to get her Master's Degree in Psychology a few years later, if everything panned out how she planned. Pacey interpreted her choice of majors as a sign that she was trying to understand how truly screwed up their family was psychologically, but if she wanted to deal with it then the more power to her. Pacey would rather live a life of blissful self-denial. It was then Pacey's turn to explain his whereabouts of the past year and a half. Pacey saw his story as rather uneventful, but was forced into telling Dawson anyway.He had stayed in Capeside and worked at a pointless job after high school, but after a few months things weren't working out how he had hoped. So, he moved to Boston get lost in the city. Although he loved Boston and now called it home, its only flaw was its close proximity to Capeside. He had a job as a waiter at some local restaurant, he knew the owner, and he had a place on the South side of the city. It wasn't glamorous or anything, but it worked. That was everything as far as he was concerned. As Pacey finished his story, there was an awkward silence--each one considering everything that was left out. No one really wanted to bring up anything uncomfortable, however, so they continued chatting about typical, surface topics. 

The check was placed on the table and they all acknowledged that it was time to go. They had sat in that restaurant for almost two hours reminiscing, joking and telling their stories, but Pacey wanted to get out of there before he saw anyone else_...like Joey_. Pacey and Gretchen excused themselves from the table and Dawson walked them to the front door of the restaurant. Dawson was going to stay and help his parents with the restaurant while he was in town, so he left an open invitation for them to return and see him. They parted on pleasant terms and Gretchen made Dawson promise he would stop by the house while he was in town, which he willingly agreed to. 

Gretchen and Pacey walked briskly in the freezing winter air in the direction of their car. Pacey's heart was beating so rapidly and he was on complete alert of his surroundings. He was anxious to get to the car before seeing anyone he would regret seeing at all.Something from the corner of Pacey's eye caused him to pause and glance back at the restaurant. His heart rate jumped up a notch as he noticed her walking en route for the front door of the restaurant. _She looks amazing_. He quickly turned his head away from the restaurant and continued for the car. He didn't want her to notice him or Gretchen. He couldn't face her, not now.

"Pacey? Is that you? Gretchen?" Pacey had almost made it inside the car before Joey spotted him. He gradually shut the car door, and watched Gretchen promptly walk over to Joey. Pacey leisurely walked over to the two girls and as he approached them, he gave Joey a half smile. "Pacey, how are you? You look great…" His facial expression stayed somber as he replied, "Great, and you?" He looked away as she answered him. He didn't even hear her answer. All he could hear was his own voice replaying the events of his last conversation with Joey. She could feel how uncomfortable he was at seeing her. Gretchen was trying to fill in the awkward moment by questioning Joey, but the feeling of discomfort was so strong that Joey quickly cut her off by saying, "Um, hey, I'll let you guys go…I'm supposed to be meeting people here anyway, so…it was really good to see the both of you." Joey's eyes lingered on Pacey as he continued to stare in another direction. She paused in anticipation that he would stop her, ask to stop by, or call, or something…but there was nothing. She excused herself and walked into the restaurant. "Smooth, Pacey." Gretchen snidely remarked as she left him standing on the sidewalk by himself. He followed her back to the car, ignoring her attempts at making him feel guilty about his behavior. 

……..

The ringing of the telephone, which was conveniently left right next to his ear, awakened Pacey. He covered his ears with his pillow and squeezed his eyes closed, hoping the endless ringing would stop. "Gretchen, are you going to answer that?" he yelled, agitated he was awake at all. He lifted the pillow from off his head when the ringing stopped. He looked for his alarm clock and noticed it was 10:00 AM. He lay back down and stared at the ceiling, half awake and half asleep. "Pace…the phone's for you. Get up!" Gretchen's high-pitched voice calling his name, assured his irritated mood as he reached for the phone and answered it. "Hello? Pacey, this is Joey…how are you?" _Not now- _was the only thing that came to mind as he heard her soft voice on the other end. Pacey groggily replied,"Good. You?" Joey hesitated, preparing herself for what she was going to say next. "I'm good. Um, Pacey, I know this is a little out of place, but I was wondering if you would meet with me…just to talk and catch up on things." Pacey's heart sunk as he ached with every word she said. His heart yearned to say yes, but instead he answered with, "Potter, I'm pretty busy today. Yeah know, family togetherness and all. So…" Silence was his only answer. Then her soft voice gently said, "Oh, sure, don't worry about it. I completely understand. I'll just see you some other time." She hung up the phone before he could even say goodbye. He sat still for about five minutes going over the conversation in his head, debating if he did the right thing. _Too late now_…that was always his excuse. 

…….

Later that day, after Gretchen forced Pacey to go to the grocery store, he spotted Dawson heading inside the store, as he was on his way out. Pacey called to him, "Hey Dawson, what's up?" Dawson quickly turned to see who was calling him, and an immediate smile appeared on his face when he saw Pacey. "Hey Pace, doing some shopping?" "Yeah. I really know how to have fun in Capeside. I'm beginning to wonder why I ever left this place…how about you?" Dawson quietly laughed as he nodded in agreement. "I hear you, Capeside definitely tempts me to stay…Hey, um Pace, I did want to talk to you about something. I understand that it is not my place to say anything, but, well, Joey is concerned about you. She's worried because you're not yourself…I don't know if that's true or whatever, but I thought maybe I would just talk to you and see how you were doing." Pacey looked away, not wanting to show the pain in his eyes. He realized he had been rude to Joey, but he honestly hadn't meant to upset her. He immediately recovered in a nonchalant tone of voice, "I'm fine, Dawson. I don't know why she's worried. Things have changed…we've all changed. Maybe I'm not the same person I was before, but that's just how it is now. I've accepted that, and I wish everyone else would, too." Dawson examined Pacey's face looking for reassurance that Pacey really was okay. "Listen, I'm sorry I even brought it up. I just thought I'd see if you wanted to talk about it. I'm sorry if I was out of place." Pacey's mood lightened a little as he realized Dawson's genuine concern for him. "Don't worry. It's all over anyway. Hey, I'm on my way out so stop by sometime if you can." Dawson was glad there was no uneasiness between the two of them. "Yeah, I'll see you soon. Oh, and um, how long is Gretchen going to be in town? For a while?" Pacey shook his head and laughed at the tact of his friend. "Yeah, Dawson. She'll be there. See ya."

He walked across the parking lot to his car and saw a figure standing next to the driver's side door. His face twisted with confusion as he considered who would be waiting for him. On the verge of reaching his car, he recognized the golden brown hair. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked around at his options. He entertained the idea of going back into the store and waiting it out…but he knew this wasn't the fifth grade. He had to face her. His heart rate picked up and he suddenly felt extremely nervous. What was he going to say to her? It was so emotionally draining to see this girl. He wanted so much for things to be different between them. He knew what he really wanted was their relationship to be how it was—back in the day. His need for her was so much greater than he ever imagined, and it physically pained him to need her so much and not be able to have that relationship of comfort and ease. He wished she would let him be so he would not have to deal with this constant aching he felt. 

Pacey continued to walk to the car, holding his breath in anticipation. Joey turned on her heals when she heard his footsteps. She smiled shyly, embarrassed at his discovery of her waiting at the car. "Hey, Pace." Pacey made no venture at courtesy. "Potter," was the only thing he managed to say. Joey looked apprehensively at the ground, unsure of her next words. "I know that I keep bothering you, Pacey. I'm not trying to stalk you or anything. It's just that I would really like to talk to you. There are so many things we have left unsaid. I was just hoping you would give me a chance to explain." Pacey stared at her without making a move. She seemed so vulnerable in her humble request to talk to him about things. He hated what they had become. How uncomfortable and awkward things were between them. He had built up this wall and it has put so much distance—he didn't even know who he was or she was. He looked away, disgusted with himself. "Joe, I know you want to have some big discussion about the past and drag it all out…but I can't. The wounds are too raw to bring this out again. I just can't keep dealing with it. I spend every moment trying not to think about it, and talking with you will just bring out too much. I'm sorry." He walked around her, avoiding her eyes, not wanting to see the expression on her face. He went for the door handle, and she placed her hand on top of his to stop him. "You can't keep pushing me away, Pacey. We'll never get past this unless we get it all out. Stop and realize…I care about you. No matter how much you hurt me or push me away, I will always care about our friendship." She backed away from him, hoping her words would soak in and allow him to reconsider. He stood with his back turned to her, silent. He wanted to lash out at her. Didn't she realize she had ruined their precious friendship? He was so angry at how she had hurt him. How she had destroyed him…but he couldn't say those things. He didn't want her to know she had hurt him as deeply as she had. 

He faced her, his eyes piercing into hers. He knew what he had to say, but he was afraid to say it for fear what the consequences would be. 


	2. Default Chapter Title

_Yellow, too _

Look at the stars; look how they shine for you…and all the things you do…

Pacey faced Joey and braced himself for what he was about to agree to. "Okay, Joe. Lets talk. But, not now. I'll just stop over later tonight…if that's all right?" The relief on Joey's face could be seen as she nodded in agreement. "I'll see you later, then…" She walked through the parking lot, found her car and easily slid inside the driver's seat. He watched her go in amazement. What are you doing Witter? He honestly hoped that he wouldn't regret the decision he had just made to talk with Joey. He was opening up a floodgate and he wasn't exactly sure what would come out when they finally did talk. He opened the car door and climbed inside, trying to ignore the haunting feeling of déjà vu that was creeping into his mind. Pacey feared that he was going to have to give her up all over again. 

As the day wore to a close, Pacey again found himself sitting on the front porch, this time concentrating on not losing control tonight---control over his emotions, his life, everything he had built for himself the past year and a half since they…Gretchen walked outside and sat next to him, resting her face on her hands. "You okay, Pace?" "Honestly? No. But, I have to go through with this tonight. I've been shutting her out of mind for so long, but in actuality, I never let her go. Once we talk, I will finally have some closure." Gretchen gently reached over and hugged her brother. "I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry for both of you." He nodded his head in appreciation. "Thanks." Gretchen left Pacey on the porch alone with his thoughts. 

……..

He couldn't help but replay the events that occurred previously, between Joey and him. He recalled the day Joey finally decided on Cornell as her university of choice. Joey had rushed over to his house in the middle of the night, her face lit up with excitement over her good news. They sat for hours at his house, talking about her plans and her studies…everything. She had been so excited to go, once the decision had been made, and he had been happy for her. He truly wanted her to go and have an incredible experience in college. She deserved it, if nothing else. She had begged him to come to New York. She said they could find a place together and live it up. Pacey had been reluctant. He understood that this was a serious university, expecting its students to work hard and study constantly. He knew he would only be a distraction to her and in the end, him being there would hurt her in so many different ways, whether she understood that or not. He had tried to explain to her, but she didn't care what his justifications were. They decided to take a few trips up to New York and scout out a place to live, but they soon figured out the cost of housing was way beyond their means. Their dream had been to stay together throughout college, but it looked like their dream had not been realistic. After many arguments, the two finally decided that she would go live in the dorms, and he would stay in Capeside and work for a while, until he could afford to move up to New York to be with her. Pacey promised he would visit every weekend, and more if possible, but she was obviously not happy with this situation they had decided upon. Joey promised him, however, that she would do everything in her power to make their unfortunate situation work. 

So, that's how it began. Their relationship had been halted in its progression, but Pacey decided not to worry over it. He understood that they simply had to work harder at their relationship to make things work. Pacey smiled as he summoned up the memory of his first trip up to Joey's dorm. He had spent hours in the car, beaming with excitement and anticipation over seeing Joey after only a week's time. When he arrived to the dorms, after hours of even trying to figure out his way around, he walked into the tall building where Joey lived. He spoke to a lot of people trying to find her room, and when he finally did, she was not there. It hurt him more than he wanted to accept, but he had just assumed she would be waiting in her room to greet him with a joyous hug and kiss. He ended up staring at a closed door for about ten minutes. Finally, he spotted Joey with another girl making their way towards him. Pacey could remember everything about that moment. The way her hair was curling around her face. How soft her lips appeared as she spoke to her friend. The way her body moved as she flowed down the hall. The sight of her forced any negative thought out if his head.

As soon as Joey recognized it was Pacey waiting at her room door, she ran up to him and squeezed him so tightly, he could hardly breathe. She jumped on him, making quite a scene in front of her friend as she kissed his face repeatedly. "Pacey, I had no idea you were going to be here so early! How long have you been waiting? I'm so sorry." Joey made her pouty face, the one he couldn't resist, in an attempt to ask for forgiveness for her negligence. Before Pacey answered, he became very aware of Joey's friend. His face flushing, somewhat embarrassed by their animate display. Joey quickly jumped off of him and smiled mischievously at her friend. "Oh, sorry. I forgot to introduce you to my friend, Pacey.Reagan, this is Pacey." Pacey eyed her curiously, "You're friend, huh? So, that's all I am now? Hmmm" Joey rolled her eyes, a smile creeping to her lips. Reagan laughed, "Yeah, some friend you have there, Joey…can you hook me up with a friend like that?…um, well I'll let you two get back to business. See ya later." 

As Reagan walked away, Joey hugged Pacey once more before she opened the door to her room. "So, is that what you tell people here. 'Pacey…he's just a friend' I see how it is," Pacey teased her, while leaning in for a gentle kiss. "I am all about keeping my options open, Pace. You know that," Joey easily came back, with a smirk on her face. She grabbed his stuff and threw it in the corner of the room. She sat on her bed, and patted the spot next to her in a gesture for him to sit by her. "No. There's still some forgiving I have to do before I can get close to you again. I want to see some serious begging and pleading for my forgiveness, so…whenever you're ready." Pacey stood patiently by the door, his arms folded comfortably across his chest. She began to speak, but he looked away in mock annoyance. Joey walked over to him, and seductively ran her fingers through his hair. She grabbed his arms and forced them around her waist, reaching her arms around his neck. "Pacey, I honestly am sorry. It was a mistake and I apologize." He gazed at her adoringly, and proceeded to hug her with all of his strength. She slowly pulled away, a grin plastered on her face because of their reunion.

"I know that it has only been a week, but it has been crazy trying to make it through the days without you. It's hard not being able to see you whenever I can…I don't think I have ever missed anyone as much I have you." Pacey's face fell as he nodded in agreement. "Trust me, I know how you feel." They sat in each other's comforting arms in silence for a few minutes, but Joey quickly snapped them out of it. "Well, at least you're with me now. I love you and I want to enjoy every moment that you're here with me." She pulled away from him and walked to the door. "Let's go." Pacey walked over to the bed and laid flat on his back. "Joe, I'm pretty tired, let's just stay in and spend some time together." He closed his eyes and pretended to snore. She walked over to the bed and sat next to him. She leaned her face towards his and gave him a passionate kiss. Then she jumped up, pulled on his hand and dragged him off the bed. "Pacey, there is so much I want you to see. Come on." Pacey stood up, from having fallen on the floor, and followed her out the door.

Joey took him downtown and to Broadway, and everywhere she could think of. They walked around downtown for hours, just talking and laughing like they hadn't skipped a beat since they last saw each other. Pacey found it extremely refreshing to be near Joey and feel her warmth and excitement for life. Pacey had to admit that her new life was bringing out some great qualities in Joey--she seemed so much more open and unreserved. Pacey was somewhat afraid at this new understanding because it opened up the possibility of her forgetting her old life, with him, in order to embrace her new one. He decided to ignore his feelings of apprehension and take pleasure in the fact that they were together. They stroll around the city finally ended lat in the night in front of her dorm room. Before going to sleep, Pacey gave Joey a violent hug and expressed his love for her. Joey reciprocated his feelings of love and thanked him for being there with her. They ultimately fell asleep, with Pacey unable to rid himself of his feelings of anxiety over Joey's newfound life. 

The rest of the weekend had turned out like their first day together again. He never felt more comfortable and whole, except when he was with Joey. Pacey could remember the day he left. They had both been dreading it, so when it finally came, it was intensely emotional. Joey's tears had softened his own and they promised to see each other soon. Still, it was never easy to say good-bye to his other half—the woman he gave his entire soul to.

Weeks went by, but seemed like months, as Pacey would eagerly visit Joey every weekend, and have to deal with the pain of their parting once again. After a couple of months, the strain on Pacey and Joey had become unbearable due to the coming and going every weekend. Their relationship was slowly, but inevitably weakening and they felt helpless to stop it. Neither wanted to talk about what was causing their problems or why…they just seemed to ignore it in hopes that their problems would go away. In the mean time, the smallest things would cause them to bicker and fight. It got to the point where Joey seemed so much more at ease when the two were with her friends, rather than more at ease when they were alone. Soon, every time he came to visit her, they were never alone. She was always finding ways to include her friends so that Pacey had no time alone with Joey. They were both miserable and they both knew it. But, through all the bickering and complaining, Pacey could not bring himself to break things off with her. His love for her was so beyond him that he didn't even think he could take it back. It was hers now, and all he could do was wait…for what? He wasn't sure. But he had felt it coming. Pacey remembered his trip up to New York to see Joey. They had immediately started fighting as soon as he arrived. It was his fault, though. He had initiated the fight with a confrontation about their issues. How he felt like he was burdening her with his visits. She always seemed so distracted and weighed down when he came.He sincerely felt like they needed to talk things out; make things between them work again. Of course, after being confronted by all this, she denied everything. Joey adamantly denied that their relationship was in ruins and accused him of wanting an excuse to stop seeing her. He could feel in his heart how stressed and uncomfortable she was that day. It had seriously scared him. 

Then she announced that her friend was coming to walk her to a test they had for Biology, and that she would be back in a couple of hours. He watched her leave the room without saying a word to her, sitting on her bed alone. Alone in a city he didn't belong, where no one knew him and the one person who did know him, didn't want him there. Pacey recalled sitting on Joey's bed for an hour, reflecting on their relationship, their past, and their future. Pacey's brain had become numb from the pain he felt. He reached a point where there was no pain, or love, or anything. Nothingness. Pacey stood up, walked out of Joey's room, and never looked back. 

Pacey had driven home in silence. He hadn't needed any distractions because he wasn't even thinking about Joey. He wasn't thinking about anything at all. He simply listened to the sound of the tires as they turned on the pavement. That was his way of dealing. Pacey didn't want to think about the choice he had just made, or the effects that it would have on his life. He just wanted to get out of his own head for a while.

When he reached his house, it was dark and chilly outside. He opened the front door and found Gretchen asleep on their sofa with all of the lights on in the house. He walked right past her, through the living room, to his bedroom. He lay on his bed, his eyes staring at the ceiling. It scared him how little emotion he felt. He knew it would catch up to him if he kept ignoring the ever-growing pain he was trying to escape, but he didn't care. He didn't want to deal with it.

"Pacey, wake up. Pacey." Gretchen shook Pacey's shoulders as she tried to wake him. "What?" Pacey growled. Gretchen looked surprised at his tone of voice as she backed away. "Joey called about ten times tonight looking for you. What are you doing here?" Pacey rolled over onto his stomach and ignored Gretchen as she continued to hound him with questions. "Stop, Gretchen! You don't need to worry about it. Go away." Gretchen's mouth tightened as she vehemently spit out, "Fine, Pacey. But you have left Joey completely hysterical. She has no clue as to where you are, so quit thinking about yourself and call her. Let her know you are here, at the very least." Gretchen slammed the door as she left, but Pacey merely covered his head with his pillow and drifted off to a nightmarish sleep. 

……….

Pacey stood up to stretch his legs. He had just relived a past he has tried so hard to forget, and he has nothing to show for it. He still has all the pain and resentment built inside him. He has never allowed any closure. After the night he left Joey's, he never talked to her again. He didn't give her a chance. Yeah, Joey had tried to get a hold of him numerous times. She even rode a bus to Capeside to see him, but he had already left for Boston. He had wanted out of Capeside and the small town scene where everywhere he went, he was reminded of Joey. Boston seemed as good a place as any. He thought about Boston and his little place in the city. Pacey wished himself back inside his apartment, but not before he got this talk with Joey out of the way first. Then he could finally go home again. 

He walked down the front porch steps to his car and hastily climbed in. Tonight was going to be a long night, and after remembering everything from the past between them, he hoped he was ready to face her. 


	3. Default Chapter

_Yellow, yet again_

_ _

_Look at the stars; look how they shine for you…and all the things you do_…

Pacey arrived at the Potter B&B after dusk that night. His hair was messy, his eyes were a little bloodshot from his inability to sleep comfortably in Capeside. He had seen no point on changing his clothes or fixing up in any way. Pacey didn't see his looks having a big impact on the current situation, anyway. He stared at Joey's window from inside his warm, comfortable car. It was always a temptation for him to leave without saying a word, and never return or explain himself. All Pacey had to do was hit reverse and take off back to Boston. He was comfortable with his life now. Did he really need to have this "crucial" talk with Joey? His heart sank at the thought of having to lose her again, this time without any question as to whether they would be reunited…and that is what terrified him the most. Although it exhausted him to be near her, he realized how desperately he had missed her since he had forced her out of his life. There was a constant rush of conflicting feelings that flowed through him as he thought of Joey. 

He sighed, once again hesitating to see her again. Joey was incredibly easy to talk to and he was afraid of saying more than he wanted. He didn't want her to know how much he was still hurting and how deeply that hurt ran through his veins. Pacey laughed at his infantile behavior of sitting in the car, afraid to go to the door, like a child waiting for his punishment. Pacey stepped out of the car and took in all of the sights around him as he made his way to the front door. The place looked exactly the same. He mused over the days when he would come see Joey whenever possible. They would simply lounge around together, elated with each other and their growing relationship. His smile quickly faded as he gave in to the thought that those days were only in the past, never to return. 

He knocked lightly on the front door of the B&B, hoping it would buy him some time to contemplate what he was going to say to Joey about—"Pacey, hi. Thanks for stopping by." Joey's face looked eager as she ushered him up the stairs, into her bedroom, without giving him a chance to acknowledge Bessie in the hallway. Joey had changed into a casual t-shirt and khaki's. _She could look mind-blowing in anything_. Joey shut the bedroom door and promptly sat on her bed. This scene was all too familiar to Pacey, as he evoked the memory of his first trip to New York to see Joey. "I think I'll just sit over here." He pulled out the chair to her desk and sat down. His uneasiness was apparent as he continued to fidget in the chair. They sat silently for a few moments, both preoccupied with their own thoughts. "So, Pace, it's good to see you…how have you been?" Pacey's face frowned as he considered what a sad state they had come to. _Look at us; we can't even have a normal conversation without acting like new acquaintances_. "Good, Potter. Everything's going pretty good. How have you been?" The awkwardness escalated, as Joey's face flushed with frustration at how astonishingly uncomfortable they were.She stared at the floor as she replied, "Good." 

Again, the silence. It was killing Pacey as his mind went completely blank as to what his next words should be. This was worse than he ever imagined. Joey broke the stifling silence. "Can we talk freely to each other right now, because this is just too awkward and I…well, I know you too well to be so prohibited by whatever issues are between us. I'm literally sick to my stomach with how things are between us, Pace. I can't and I don't understand how we got to this point, but we have to talk about it. We have to get everything out before…before it's too late. Before we stop caring if we fix this or not." Joey's face fell as her bottom lip began to tremble. She rubbed her eyes, forcing herself to keep from crying. She didn't want to look so weak in front of him. 

Pacey exhaled loudly as he listened to her. He never raised his eyes from the floor, afraid to see the distress in her eyes. He knew he had put the entire blame of their relationship breaking down on Joey; but seeing her here, seeing how hurt she still was after all this time, he could no longer deny his responsibility of how things have turned out. "You're right, Joe. We need to fix this. I honestly don't want you to have to deal with this any more…" Pacey stopped himself from saying something he should have said a long time ago. Pacey scolded himself internally for not finishing his sentence. He carefully looked into Joey's eyes and quietly spoke to her. " I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you there in New York with no word of where I was going or why. I'm sorry I ran away from our problems and left you to deal with everything on your own…" the words began to flow freely out of Pacey's mouth, as he could no longer control himself, "I'm sorry I denied myself the opportunity to see you since that day. I never meant to take things that far, I …I'm sorry, Joe." Pacey turned his back to her, not wanting her to see the heartache and pain in his face and in his eyes as he blurted out words he had wanted to say to her for so long. He leaned over and put his hand on his chest to stop the unbearable aching of his heart. 

Joey didn't make a move. She craved to reach out to him and embrace him. She had missed his touch severely, but she was afraid. She wanted them to get everything out tonight, and she was afraid if she went to him …then things would go unsaid and these issues would never go away. A tear slid down Joey's left cheek as she lingered in the quiet of the moment, gathering her emotions together. She forced herself to wait to reach out to him.

"Pacey, please understand that, yes, I was angry, upset, frustrated and everything else that day. I honestly didn't understand why you would leave me without a word." Joey stood and walked away from Pacey, towards her window. She gazed out the window at the intense stars. "I remember on the bus ride to Capeside, I had become so angry with you that I promised myself I would never let you hurt me again. That was it. Our relationship was over as far as I was concerned. I had gone to Capeside only to tell you to your face that it was over. But, as the bus drove me back to New York, after spending a weekend so furious with you for not being there, I finally realized that you had already decided that very thing. The day you left, something must have snapped and you must have decided you weren't going to let me hurt you any more. And then…I couldn't be angry with you over why you left my dorm. I started to think about everything that had occurred leading up to that moment and I stopped blaming you. I hated how you left, but I didn't hate you for leaving." 

Joey's words moved Pacey to a deeper compassion towards her. He stood and slowly walked to where Joey was quietly standing. Pacey took notice of how her soft, golden brown hair lay on her shoulders. He wished that he could touch her---but he stopped himself just before he reached her. Instead, Pacey stood without making a sound, simply staring at her. Joey closed her eyes and pictured herself touching Pacey's face and holding him in a tender embrace…she pictured Pacey returning the strong grip she had on him. She opened her eyes and prayed that he would say something. _Anything_. She just wanted to hear the sound of his voice…he was so close to her. She felt the warmth from his body against her bare skin. "Joe, I sincerely hope you can forgive me for walking out of your life. At the time, I felt completely out of control and I couldn't help but feel constantly in your way, or holding you back from something better…than me. It wasn't you that forced me to leave; I was the reason I left. I didn't want you to be stuck with some guy who worked at McDonald's, or somewhere equally as credible, when you deserve so much more than that. Please, just don't blame yourself for my mistakes…" Joey turned to face Pacey, surprised to see a light tear fall down his cheek. He immediately turned away and walked back to his chair at the desk. "I realize I have been wasting angry emotions and blaming you for the past year and half…when the entire time, it was me that caused all of this. I'm sorry, Joe. I honestly am sorry." Joey felt a sense of overwhelming relief, as she understood what has really been happening between the two of them all this time. 

Joey walked to him, but before she could get to him, he picked up his coat and made for the bedroom door. "Pacey, where are you going?" Pacey stopped and faced Joey. "Don't run away from me, Pace. I need you to stay, please." Pacey's eyes were piercing hers as he meekly replied, "Joe, I can't do this again. Don't you understand that nothing has changed this entire time we've been apart. I thought things had finally changed but now I have come to a realization that it hasn't. I am still the same ambitionless person and you are still in college with a future and so much potential. I am going nowhere…I can't bring myself to burden you with that any more. It's time to just give all of this up and move on with our lives…" his eyes and heart softened with his next words, " Joey, we have to give up on this." 

Again, Pacey reached for the door handle, when Joey's voice stopped him. "Pacey, I won't let you walk out on me again. Who even knows what is going on right now, but if you leave now, it will never be over. We will always be dealing with the what-ifs or second guessing ourselves, if you walk out that door." The tears began streaming down Joey's face as she pleaded with him, "Stay, Pacey. It's not fair for you to keep running away and making decisions for the both of us." Joey wiped the tears from her eyes and her voice toughened up. "How about I make a decision for the both of us. You're not leaving. And you're not going to decide my future or how I should or should not feel about you. Or whether I should be with someone like you…someone who I think is funny, talented, and extremely intelligent." She made her way towards Pacey and when she reached him, their eyes were aligned perfectly. She gently touched his face and softly kissed his cheek. She looked away from his penetrating eyes, at the floor. Pacey reached out and brushed away a piece of her hair that was touching her mouth. Before Joey looked up at him, she faintly whispered, "I still love you. Even if you don't want to be with me, or you think we shouldn't be together, I still love you." With that said, and without looking back into his eyes, she began to turn her back to him, and walk towards the window again. Pacey took hold of Joey's hand and pulled her to him. He slid his hands around her face and gently kissed her with his soft lips. Joey suddenly wrapped her arms around his neck and proceeded to hug him with all of her strength. To her enjoyment, he returned her warm embrace. A slight whisper was heard in Joey's ear as they continued to hold close. "I never stopped loving you, Joe. Never." 


End file.
